Tuesday, October 20, 2015


Oh Marlon Williams what a signer you are! Crooning here 'When I was a young girl' the soundtrack from 'The Beautiful Lie', a contemporary retelling of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, a series that began last Sunday night on the ABC. 
For those outside Australia, you can view each episode after it airs...HERE'S the first one.

Monday, September 28, 2015


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Happiness cannot be found
through great effort and willpower,
but is already here, right now,
in relaxation and letting go.
Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do.
Whatever arises in the mind
has no importance at all,
because it has no reality whatsoever.
Don't become attached to it. Don't pass judgement.
Let the game happen on its own,
emerging and falling back - without changing anything -
and all will vanish and begin anew, without end.
Only our searching for happiness prevents us from seeing it.
It is like a rainbow which you run after without ever catching it.
Although it does not exist, it has always been there
and accompanies you every instant.
Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences;
they are like rainbows.
Wanting to grasp the ungraspable you exhaust yourself in vain.
As soon as you relax this grasping,
there is space - open, inviting and comfortable.
So make use of it. Everything is already yours.
Search no more,
Don't go into the inextricable jungle
looking for the elephant who is already quietly at home.
Nothing to do,
nothing to force,
nothing to want
and everything happens by itself.

'Happiness' by Lama Gendun Rinpoche

I am still practicing 'letting go'; every day a little ending and a little beginning. The last few months have been the most challenging yet the most rewarding of my life. Not only have I lost my Mother as physical form but after months of abuse from my Dad (who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder) I've had to let him go as well. This is a huge step for me requiring lots of honest soul searching about my own value. And in the end it was really a matter of saving my own life. Now I can feel close to Mum all the time; can 'feel' her with me. Now I can relax.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Let Go

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I let it go.
It’s like swimming against the current.
It exhausts you.
After a while, whoever you are,
you just have to let go,
and the river brings you home.

– Joanne Harris, Five Quarters of the Orange 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

She is gone...

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6 weeks after the death of my precious Mother, some thoughts. When someone you love dies, it's like a part of you dies as well, and you look at the person left and wonder who the hell you are. There's a rebuilding to be done. You are not the same and you never will be. I'm in that stage where I can go a whole day without thinking of Mum and then the loss hits and the pain is overwhelming, gut wrenching, and there's that split second where you know you can choose - to surrender, to open your heart, and let the pain overwhelm you, to wail, to thrash about in such sadness, yet powerless for there's no magic wand to bring her back. Other times, you choose to distract yourself; you know you will have to surrender to the pain soon but you need, yes 'need' to keep yourself together right now; you're weary; so you dive headlong into an activity. But of course, in the end, it's worse. The heaviness, the constricted throat, the moist eyes, stay then for hours, for days, until you can't hold it in anymore and you surrender. Yes there are others who'll always be there to comfort you - if you're capable of reaching out. Yes, there are a couple you know intuitively who are tired of your grief; your conversations, but doing their best nonetheless. But, in the main, humanity, gosh almighty it's amazed me. The natural world has always been easy for me to appreciate; people not so much. Yet, from the pain of loss, there is a this deep abiding connection to others and it's as if each person who's touched my life over the last couple of months, feels the loss with me, is truly there with me (there are exceptions for a couple of family members who are mentally ill and many families have these). Even people I don't know I feel differently towards now; we are all travellers on a path that's, yes, filled with much joy, but oh the sadness. Nobody is exempt. We are all in this together; walking each other home. I know that nothing ever stays the same; know it rationally; but the change is accelerated now. Sometimes I just want it to stop. But it won't.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

A little update

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Just a few random images I like. First is my latest Frida Kahlo photomontage (available here), and the other two photos are images I saw on Facebook...I don't have any references as they'd done the rounds on tumblr and I couldn't find the end of the trail! 
Today I'd like to curl up in that gypsy wagon and pretend everything in my life is okay. Mum is very ill with cancer; I spend most of my time with her these days. This is 'life' I know and mostly I can be grateful and 'in the moment' but the last couple of days she's been crying a lot. It breaks my heart.